Seriously what is wrong with this woman?!?!

Seriously what is wrong with this woman?!?!

Alright so now my aunt wrote and “open letter” to me on her blog, which I was expecting, but she AGAIN accuses me of going onto her computer to find things. DOES SHE NOT KNOW HOW GOOGLE WORKS?!?! I literally have proof she wrote things on recovery.org and she just blatantly lies and then accuses me. Then she tells me that she is sure there are more people in the world who don’t like me than those that do. She’s literally a 54 year old woman bullying her niece. It’s completely insane!!! At this point I’m literally just sitting in my room, waiting for her to LEAVE. This crazy woman has probably shortened my life by 5 years with all the stress she has caused me. What an evil bitch. I just cannot fathom how someone can be like this. I don’t even know what to say or do because I am just so furious and honestly, scared. I have no idea how to deal with her because she is just so far from anything resembling a normal person. So for now I’m just stuck basically.

I did post a comment on her blog though, with my real name. I know I’m in the right so I don’t need to try to hide behind some fake name like she probably thinks I would. That’s why she set it so only people using their gmail account could post, and couldn’t post anonymously. Well I am standing up for myself.

And of course she says that my grandma “has no sympathy” for me, of course I know this whole time she has been trying to find anything she could to get my grandma against me. And I wouldn’t doubt it if she has been trying to goad me into losing my shit so she would use that against me too. Feeling quite helpless right now, to be honest.

And Now Some Thoughts

And Now Some Thoughts

Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.

For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.

The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.

It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.

I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….

Crying Over Stolen Milk

Crying Over Stolen Milk

Right, so after I read my aunt’s last post specifically attacking me, I was completely shaken. Luckily I am not depressed because my mind seems to be bouncing back pretty easily. I get really furious and panicky for a while and am frantically trying to figure out what to do but I do calm down. Unfortunately this is exam period so I don’t have a lot of time for my mental health right now, I need to try to focus on school. And lately it’s been very hard to study because I am either just totally frustrated by my situation or I am completely focused on what I can do to make it better. The problem is I don’t have time for that right now. I had a week to study for my corporate tax exam, and I only got maybe a few hours of studying in. I have been spending a lot of time looking at different spiritual objects, gemstones, symbols, etc. Ideally I want to create a space for myself that is totally soothing and healing so I can separate myself from all the negativity in this house, but I’m struggling to balance my time. I can’t spend all the time I need to create the right atmosphere for myself but I can’t study without clearing the negativity. It’s like building a house on sand.

Anyway, I started this post because I just yelled at my boyfriend over milk. Last week my mom had bought some milk and gave me what was left of the old jug. It didn’t expire for a while so I wanted to save it for when I needed it, sometimes it helps if I get stomach aches when I take my medication for headaches. Then I was in the kitchen while my aunt and grandma were there and my aunt asks if there is any milk left, she wanted some cereal. I was pretty surprised she would just pretty much offer it to herself like that, but when I told my mom, apparently my aunt did the same kind of thing when she lived with my dad, he’d work a 12 hour shift and come home to no food or milk because she used it all and didn’t replace it, and it drove him nuts. Anyway my grandma said no, there isn’t enough. I hadn’t even had any at this point and it was mine! So later I had some milk, suspecting it was disappearing on me. Then late at night, trying to study, I hear cereal. My aunt was using my milk for her cereal. And she knew I had brought it from my mom. Didn’t bother asking me, she knows I’m already getting really agitated with her, and she helps herself to my milk. I was so furious so I just quickly drank the rest of it but there wasn’t much left. I was so furious but the next morning I felt better. the problem is, this stuff is putting me constantly on edge. So when my boyfriend asked if the milk carton in the fridge was mine, I just lost it. Because now my aunt bought milk which I don’t want to touch (I really just want to go on like she doesn’t exist, I don’t want to even tough anything of hers). So I just yelled at him DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BUY MILK!?!?! ITS NOT MY FAULT SHE DRANK THE MILK!!!! I knew he was just asking a question but I just snapped for a moment. I’ve apologized but now I’m even more frustrated and anxious because my aunt has totally poisoned me. I was really determined that she would not get to me, her father tried to disown her more than once, my father wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and two of her kids want nothing to do with her. She has completely broken this family and now she’s breaking me. But I need to fight back. I don’t necessarily need to fight her, and I really can’t. I am trying to see her as like an avalanche, or a fire. You don’t hate a natural disaster. You just fight to survive.