And Now Some Thoughts

And Now Some Thoughts

Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.

For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.

The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.

It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.

I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….

The Tale of the Lost Ring

The Tale of the Lost Ring

Story time!

So maybe a week or two ago, my cousin came over randomly to see my aunt. I was in the living room studying (or TRYING to study) and I heard my aunt loudly talking about jewelry. My aunt tends to talk pretty loudly anyway but it seemed a bit like she wanted me to hear it. I heard her going on about something being “platinum” and my cousin din’t seem that convinced but my aunt kept going “well they can’t just lie!” My aunt gets super super dramatic, she’s like a bad actor who is always acting. (And from what I have heard/read/seen of her, it seems like she IS always acting, she always puts on a facade, more than most people.)

Anyway, maybe an hour or a few hours later, suddenly she’s lost it. I think she had gone out, maybe for a smoke or to pick up her methadone, and suddenly she’s going on about a ring she lost. Going up and down the stairs, making a biiiig show of it. And she knew I was in the living room studying. I think then later I was in my room again trying to study and I hear her in the hall with my grandma talking about how she lost this expensive ring. My grandma was sort of annoyed because she’s giving her money every month to help pay for rent and she’s buying herself expensive jewelry. Again, she’s making a big show of this to my grandma. Periodically since then she has mentioned it, saying she has no idea where it could be but it MUST be in the house somewhere.

Now today, here I am again studying, and for a long time she was talking to my grandma about rents and books, the usual stuff (I can’t hear much from my bedroom but the occasional word is clear and I know what they are talking about). Suddenly, she randomly starts on about the ring. Now she is talking loudly enough for me to hear every word, again making a big show about it. She even goes into her bedroom and makes these big ridiculous groaning sounds and moving things around to show she is looking for it. Then goes back to my grandma and says yeah I can’t find it, I’ve looked everywhere but it has to be in the house. Then (again, loud enough for me to hear with my bedroom door closed) asks my grandma if she could ask me and my boyfriend about it. Talks a bit more about it, again says she has no idea where it is but must be here, and if she thinks of it could my grandma ask me and my boyfriend.

Now, this whole time I have just been waiting for her to accuse me of stealing it. Right away it seemed like she was trying to set me up, or try to GET me to steal it, by making a big show of how valuable it was and then a big show of how she lost it. Maybe she really did lose it, but it seems pretty suspicious to me. Even if she really did lost it I wouldn’t doubt for a second that she will try to say I stole it. I’ve heard stories about her trying to blame my dad for things she did to get out of trouble, and this was in adulthood, not as a little kid. She’s also lied about things on her blog, and is always trying to blame everyone for everything. Not to mention the fact that she already accused me on her blog of going on to her computer when she wasn’t around to look at her “files,” and that’s how I found her blog, even though I literally told her it’s because she used her real name on her blog. It wasn’t exactly hard to find. I’m sure she also relayed this accusation to my grandma, or at least hinted at it, because my grandma said my aunt “didn’t know how I found her blog”, even though I literally TOLD HER.

In any case, I haven’t even seen the ring, no clue what it looks like, much less stole it. Although I have to admit, if I DID find it, I’d be pretty damn tempted to throw it straight in the garbage.

(Although it might need to be taken to Mt. Doom….)