And Now Some Thoughts

And Now Some Thoughts

Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.

For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.

The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.

It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.

I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….

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And the Confrontation Hits the Fan

And the Confrontation Hits the Fan

Well now I’m screwed. I never did decide if I wanted to confront my aunt or not, when the confrontation came to me unexpectedly and unpleasantly. I was waiting for my aunt to leave so I could tell my mom to come over. She was in her car, I saw her packing flowers into her car. So I go out into the living room thinking the coast was clear. I go up to the window to double check and suddenly she is coming up the stairs. She comes up with the newspaper and starts going on about flyers. That might sound perfectly fine to anyone else but then you don’t know my aunt. Everything she says and does seems like bad acting. It is so hard to be around her because everything seems fake, you never know what she is really thinking and it always seems like she has an ulterior motive for every little thing. Anyway she is making this big deal about how many fliers there are, and I’m stuck there trying to keep quiet and can just feel the months of frustration and anger building up.

And then it released.

I just lost it. I yelled about the fliers and of course she scoffs at me, I ask her why she stole my dumbbell the other day, she says she didn’t steal it, she “borrowed” it. I yell at her that you can’t just take things that aren’t yours and then not put them back! (My grandma had to ask for it back, because after she “borrowed” it, my aunt just put it in her own room.) Once I started I couldn’t stop. I told her not to post things about me, and she just lied and said she never did. I told her she posted on recovery.org and she just straight up said she had no idea what I was talking about, and she has never even heard of the website! I was so infuriated. Then she says I would need to show it to her because she has never posted on any forums and she has no idea what I’m talking about (I have found at least 10 that she has posted on, but most of it wasn’t about me or my family so I didn’t care.) I tell her exactly what she said about me, and can you believe it, not only does she keep denying it, but she also says that if she had written something about me IT WOULD BE A LOT MEANER. What the hell kind of lunatic is she?!?! And she just kept lying and lying, saying why would I have a reason to lie to you. So then my grandma starts yelling at me saying hey this is my house, this is still my house.

So now I’m not only furious about having to deal with someone who completely refuses to live within any kind of reality, but now my grandma is mad at me. I was really trying so hard to keep it together, I have avoided my aunt like the plague in the last couple of weeks just trying to get by until she moved out. Literally I have sometimes waited for hours in my room until I knew she was gone or working so I could come out to get some cereal without a confrontation. I tried so hard and some stupid flyers ruined it for me. And I still need to print out the evidence because I am definitely not going to let her try to say I’m the liar, which I know for sure she is going to try to do. Instead of building herself up she just tries to tear everyone else down. Well I for one will not be torn down.

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

I’ve decided I will have to do everything I can to avoid my aunt. If she was just an annoying neighbour it wouldn’t be so bad. But she is in my family and it’s hard to just pretend she isn’t there when I have to plan out when I go into the kitchen just to avoid her, and I have to always have some sort of video or music playing so I can’t hear her voice. It actually wasn’t so bad at first, because I really thought I could just be nice to her and she’d be nice back and eventually she would leave and it would be fine. But then she was writing lies and racist things on her blog about my family, and somehow she expected me to just think oh that’s fine and normal. And then my grandma told me she wants my aunt to leave, that she doesn’t like what my aunt is doing. She is dating this total lunatic, and she keeps saying she is desperately trying to get rid of him, saying all of these bad things he does like slash her tires and punch holes in the wall, yet she keeps letting him come back. Now she has the perfect scenario, she is with her mom so he won’t come over and trash her stuff, and she can go see him on the weekend. Now why would anyone be with someone like that? You might think it is a classic abusive relationship, where it is hard for the woman to leave. But it’s the opposite. She was in her mid 40’s when she started dating him, a NINETEEN year old, drug addict with serious mental health issues. He is younger than her son. My grandmother thinks she just wants to be able to control him, but I think the reality is she is just stuck in the mind of a teenager. She leeches off the government, off her mother, and takes up a relationship with a teenager. She had 3 kids, two she completely lost custody of and the 3rd was in and out of foster care her whole life and did not complete high school. My aunt just never grew up, never had any sense of responsibility. Now she is staying at her mom’s house and on the weekends going to see her boyfriend who she insists on staying with even though he is terrible. And she doesn’t see why we don’t like it, she seriously thinks that everything she has done in her life, she wasn’t hurting anybody.

Anyway, my grandma doesn’t like it, and she told me that once my aunt leaves, she can never live there again (she has had to go back to live with her parents many many times throughout her adult life, and at one point even had the crazy boyfriend living here. There was a police watch on the house.) But my grandma also said she would just *hint* to my aunt that she should move out, and wouldn’t kick her out. Because while everyone else has reached their breaking point with my aunt, I don’t think my grandma has one. It’s just too upsetting for her to look at the reality of what her daughter has become. So now I’m stuck hoping my aunt will actually leave. Until then I have to do my best to block (and blog) it out.