This blog post is sort of a useless rant, sorry. I just need to write it because I’m finding myself start to get anxious and panicky again. I was going through and deleting old emails yesterday and came across one where I told my mom I could hear my aunt asking my grandma about me. I find it a little ironic considering when I told her I was reading her blog, she said I must care a lot more about her than she does about me. Yet for years she has been trying to get information on me? My theory is she is trying to get my grandma against me, she is trying to find anything she can to paint me in a bad light. One time shortly after I moved in with my grandma, I saw her come in the front door while I was eating my breakfast so I quickly ran out the back to eat my cereal on the steps outside. I later found out my aunt asked if I was smoking. And why would she assume that? She is just trying to find a way to make herself feel better because of her terrible life and she was a terrible mother. I think it’s not even about me, she just wants to try to blame my dad (her brother) and try to make herself feel better about her terrible parenting by finding something negative about us. And then there’s the online post where she says I have no friends to speak of and have never been on a date. I have no idea why she would think she could assume either of those things, obviously she was asking my grandma about every aspect of my life. What a nutjob! I don’t even tell my grandma about my life, partially because I know she will tell my aunt. And why would I tell my grandma about every date I’ve had anyway? I was dating my current boyfriend for 2 months before I even told my grandma we were dating, and I only did it because he was coming to visit. I’m a private person, so apparently my aunt thinks that means I have some mental disorder or something. I asked my grandma about it and she told me to confront my aunt before she moves out. Well she is moving out this weekend (thank god) so now I am trying to decide if I confront her or not.
I do really want to confront her. I want her to know that I am not okay with this crap and she needs to cut it out. I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her asking about me trying to get some juicy gossip about me from my grandma! The problem is I just can’t control my anger towards her. When I even think about talking to her my heart starts racing. I’m genuinely worried I could have a serious panic attack and even need medical attention. If she was going to leave and never come back it would be different but I know she has to come back because as a 50 something year old woman she gets a 500$ per month allowance from her mom…. so she will be back at least once a month and this crap will continue. So I know confronting her would be extremely difficult but I feel like I need to do it for my long term mental health. I don’t know.