Do I Confront?

Do I Confront?

This blog post is sort of a useless rant, sorry. I just need to write it because I’m finding myself start to get anxious and panicky again. I was going through and deleting old emails yesterday and came across one where I told my mom I could hear my aunt asking my grandma about me. I find it a little ironic considering when I told her I was reading her blog, she said I must care a lot more about her than she does about me. Yet for years she has been trying to get information on me? My theory is she is trying to get my grandma against me, she is trying to find anything she can to paint me in a bad light. One time shortly after I moved in with my grandma, I saw her come in the front door while I was eating my breakfast so I quickly ran out the back to eat my cereal on the steps outside. I later found out my aunt asked if I was smoking. And why would she assume that? She is just trying to find a way to make herself feel better because of her terrible life and she was a terrible mother. I think it’s not even about me, she just wants to try to blame my dad (her brother) and try to make herself feel better about her terrible parenting by finding something negative about us. And then there’s the online post where she says I have no friends to speak of and have never been on a date. I have no idea why she would think she could assume either of those things, obviously she was asking my grandma about every aspect of my life. What a nutjob! I don’t even tell my grandma about my life, partially because I know she will tell my aunt. And why would I tell my grandma about every date I’ve had anyway? I was dating my current boyfriend for 2 months before I even told my grandma we were dating, and I only did it because he was coming to visit. I’m a private person, so apparently my aunt thinks that means I have some mental disorder or something. I asked my grandma about it and she told me to confront my aunt before she moves out. Well she is moving out this weekend (thank god) so now I am trying to decide if I confront her or not.

I do really want to confront her. I want her to know that I am not okay with this crap and she needs to cut it out. I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her asking about me trying to get some juicy gossip about me from my grandma! The problem is I just can’t control my anger towards her. When I even think about talking to her my heart starts racing. I’m genuinely worried I could have a serious panic attack and even need medical attention. If she was going to leave and never come back it would be different but I know she has to come back because as a 50 something year old woman she gets a 500$ per month allowance from her mom…. so she will be back at least once a month and this crap will continue. So I know confronting her would be extremely difficult but I feel like I need to do it for my long term mental health. I don’t know.

Testing the Placebo Effect (on Myself)

Testing the Placebo Effect (on Myself)

So now my aunt should be moving out this month, which means I’m now just avoiding her as much as I can until she leaves. This means I can finally start writing about some other stuff I want to write about, mostly psychology and perception and such.

This week I have been trying to clean some stuff and get rid of some old things, and in going through things I found some empty capsules I bought about a year ago. When I did a psychology minor for my bachelor’s degree I took one class about critical thinking, which was all about perception, and we looked at stuff like hypnotism (my professor was a psychologist and a hypnotist as well) and placebo effects and how that relates to pseudoscience. Later I took at least one more class which involved talking about placebo effect. I was so fascinated by it and thought how wonderful it is that we can make ourselves happier and healthier by basically tricking our brains. One of the coolest studies we looked at was one where researchers found out that people could even get a placebo effect when they KNEW it was a placebo, as long as they believed in the placebo effect!

So based on what I learned about the placebo effect, I wanted to try it out on myself. I bought 1000 EMPTY capsules, 500 pink and white and 500 yellow and red. I tried to get colours that resonated with what I wanted them to help me with. I got the pink and white because they remind me of Barbie, and I wanted to use those to help me boost my happiness and get healthy (maybe lose a bit of weight too). I got the red and yellow because they looked like the colours of Gryffindor, and I wanted to use those to improve my work ethic and power through tough situations. I filled the capsules with some protein powder because initially they were too light and you could kinda see through them, so I just used some protein powder I was going to throw away anyway to make them feel a bit more legit.

Now, I really suck at remembering to take any kind of medicine or vitamins every day, so I tried it for maybe a few days and then forgot about it. But this summer I want to really explore different kinds of placebos or pseudoscience, and see if it actually helps me. I have also read that rituals help people, like when you have a ritual before dinner (like praying) it makes the food taste better. So my plan is to try to take 2-3 pink pills per day, and maybe one of the red and gold per day, all summer, whether I think it’s working or not. Then hopefully I can give it a proper go without giving up before I can see or feel any results. I gained quite a bit of weight when I spent Christmas at my parent’s so this should be a good time to try it out.

The Tale of the Lost Ring

The Tale of the Lost Ring

Story time!

So maybe a week or two ago, my cousin came over randomly to see my aunt. I was in the living room studying (or TRYING to study) and I heard my aunt loudly talking about jewelry. My aunt tends to talk pretty loudly anyway but it seemed a bit like she wanted me to hear it. I heard her going on about something being “platinum” and my cousin din’t seem that convinced but my aunt kept going “well they can’t just lie!” My aunt gets super super dramatic, she’s like a bad actor who is always acting. (And from what I have heard/read/seen of her, it seems like she IS always acting, she always puts on a facade, more than most people.)

Anyway, maybe an hour or a few hours later, suddenly she’s lost it. I think she had gone out, maybe for a smoke or to pick up her methadone, and suddenly she’s going on about a ring she lost. Going up and down the stairs, making a biiiig show of it. And she knew I was in the living room studying. I think then later I was in my room again trying to study and I hear her in the hall with my grandma talking about how she lost this expensive ring. My grandma was sort of annoyed because she’s giving her money every month to help pay for rent and she’s buying herself expensive jewelry. Again, she’s making a big show of this to my grandma. Periodically since then she has mentioned it, saying she has no idea where it could be but it MUST be in the house somewhere.

Now today, here I am again studying, and for a long time she was talking to my grandma about rents and books, the usual stuff (I can’t hear much from my bedroom but the occasional word is clear and I know what they are talking about). Suddenly, she randomly starts on about the ring. Now she is talking loudly enough for me to hear every word, again making a big show about it. She even goes into her bedroom and makes these big ridiculous groaning sounds and moving things around to show she is looking for it. Then goes back to my grandma and says yeah I can’t find it, I’ve looked everywhere but it has to be in the house. Then (again, loud enough for me to hear with my bedroom door closed) asks my grandma if she could ask me and my boyfriend about it. Talks a bit more about it, again says she has no idea where it is but must be here, and if she thinks of it could my grandma ask me and my boyfriend.

Now, this whole time I have just been waiting for her to accuse me of stealing it. Right away it seemed like she was trying to set me up, or try to GET me to steal it, by making a big show of how valuable it was and then a big show of how she lost it. Maybe she really did lose it, but it seems pretty suspicious to me. Even if she really did lost it I wouldn’t doubt for a second that she will try to say I stole it. I’ve heard stories about her trying to blame my dad for things she did to get out of trouble, and this was in adulthood, not as a little kid. She’s also lied about things on her blog, and is always trying to blame everyone for everything. Not to mention the fact that she already accused me on her blog of going on to her computer when she wasn’t around to look at her “files,” and that’s how I found her blog, even though I literally told her it’s because she used her real name on her blog. It wasn’t exactly hard to find. I’m sure she also relayed this accusation to my grandma, or at least hinted at it, because my grandma said my aunt “didn’t know how I found her blog”, even though I literally TOLD HER.

In any case, I haven’t even seen the ring, no clue what it looks like, much less stole it. Although I have to admit, if I DID find it, I’d be pretty damn tempted to throw it straight in the garbage.

(Although it might need to be taken to Mt. Doom….)

Keeps Getting Worse

Keeps Getting Worse

So, I have actually been feeling much better about my whole situation with my aunt, I actually have started to find it funny. The problem is every time I find something new it puts me right back into a panic attack. Just today I decided to google a phrase she keeps using to describe her cat. I’m one of those people who just has to find things out, so I though maybe it was some pop culture term that I didn’t know about, and decided to google it. Well, obviously she made it up because I found a bunch more posts from her on various websites (she seriously loves to talk about her cat.) One post caught my eye, since it was about MYSELF. She is telling a bunch of people on some forum about a bunch of stuff that is completely none of her business. She even says that I “dabble in oil paints but [am] not very good.” Wow, such a lovely person! (And I like to paint with acrylics, not oils, and am doing it purely for relaxation and enjoyment purposes, similar to my aunt’s adult colouring books which I guess are masterpieces?) She talks about me not having a job (hello? trying to continue my education while her two daughters have never finished high school and can’t hold down jobs?) She says I have never been on a date. How the hell would she know anything? I went to a university on the other side of the country and never speak to her, ever. I suppose she thinks I should follow in her footsteps and become a prostitute? Or maybe have two short marriages, have children, and not take responsibility for them? What an absolute nutjob. Every time I think I can’t be surprised by her, I am. It’s seriously unbelievable. So of course I see this and feel like I need to confront her, and start panicking again. I was so furious. I told my grandma about it and my grandma is sick of her too now so she told me to confront my aunt so “maybe she will leave.” Because my grandma wants her gone but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I guess I’m already “enemy number one” to my aunt so it can’t get any worse.

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

I’ve decided I will have to do everything I can to avoid my aunt. If she was just an annoying neighbour it wouldn’t be so bad. But she is in my family and it’s hard to just pretend she isn’t there when I have to plan out when I go into the kitchen just to avoid her, and I have to always have some sort of video or music playing so I can’t hear her voice. It actually wasn’t so bad at first, because I really thought I could just be nice to her and she’d be nice back and eventually she would leave and it would be fine. But then she was writing lies and racist things on her blog about my family, and somehow she expected me to just think oh that’s fine and normal. And then my grandma told me she wants my aunt to leave, that she doesn’t like what my aunt is doing. She is dating this total lunatic, and she keeps saying she is desperately trying to get rid of him, saying all of these bad things he does like slash her tires and punch holes in the wall, yet she keeps letting him come back. Now she has the perfect scenario, she is with her mom so he won’t come over and trash her stuff, and she can go see him on the weekend. Now why would anyone be with someone like that? You might think it is a classic abusive relationship, where it is hard for the woman to leave. But it’s the opposite. She was in her mid 40’s when she started dating him, a NINETEEN year old, drug addict with serious mental health issues. He is younger than her son. My grandmother thinks she just wants to be able to control him, but I think the reality is she is just stuck in the mind of a teenager. She leeches off the government, off her mother, and takes up a relationship with a teenager. She had 3 kids, two she completely lost custody of and the 3rd was in and out of foster care her whole life and did not complete high school. My aunt just never grew up, never had any sense of responsibility. Now she is staying at her mom’s house and on the weekends going to see her boyfriend who she insists on staying with even though he is terrible. And she doesn’t see why we don’t like it, she seriously thinks that everything she has done in her life, she wasn’t hurting anybody.

Anyway, my grandma doesn’t like it, and she told me that once my aunt leaves, she can never live there again (she has had to go back to live with her parents many many times throughout her adult life, and at one point even had the crazy boyfriend living here. There was a police watch on the house.) But my grandma also said she would just *hint* to my aunt that she should move out, and wouldn’t kick her out. Because while everyone else has reached their breaking point with my aunt, I don’t think my grandma has one. It’s just too upsetting for her to look at the reality of what her daughter has become. So now I’m stuck hoping my aunt will actually leave. Until then I have to do my best to block (and blog) it out.

Crying Over Stolen Milk

Crying Over Stolen Milk

Right, so after I read my aunt’s last post specifically attacking me, I was completely shaken. Luckily I am not depressed because my mind seems to be bouncing back pretty easily. I get really furious and panicky for a while and am frantically trying to figure out what to do but I do calm down. Unfortunately this is exam period so I don’t have a lot of time for my mental health right now, I need to try to focus on school. And lately it’s been very hard to study because I am either just totally frustrated by my situation or I am completely focused on what I can do to make it better. The problem is I don’t have time for that right now. I had a week to study for my corporate tax exam, and I only got maybe a few hours of studying in. I have been spending a lot of time looking at different spiritual objects, gemstones, symbols, etc. Ideally I want to create a space for myself that is totally soothing and healing so I can separate myself from all the negativity in this house, but I’m struggling to balance my time. I can’t spend all the time I need to create the right atmosphere for myself but I can’t study without clearing the negativity. It’s like building a house on sand.

Anyway, I started this post because I just yelled at my boyfriend over milk. Last week my mom had bought some milk and gave me what was left of the old jug. It didn’t expire for a while so I wanted to save it for when I needed it, sometimes it helps if I get stomach aches when I take my medication for headaches. Then I was in the kitchen while my aunt and grandma were there and my aunt asks if there is any milk left, she wanted some cereal. I was pretty surprised she would just pretty much offer it to herself like that, but when I told my mom, apparently my aunt did the same kind of thing when she lived with my dad, he’d work a 12 hour shift and come home to no food or milk because she used it all and didn’t replace it, and it drove him nuts. Anyway my grandma said no, there isn’t enough. I hadn’t even had any at this point and it was mine! So later I had some milk, suspecting it was disappearing on me. Then late at night, trying to study, I hear cereal. My aunt was using my milk for her cereal. And she knew I had brought it from my mom. Didn’t bother asking me, she knows I’m already getting really agitated with her, and she helps herself to my milk. I was so furious so I just quickly drank the rest of it but there wasn’t much left. I was so furious but the next morning I felt better. the problem is, this stuff is putting me constantly on edge. So when my boyfriend asked if the milk carton in the fridge was mine, I just lost it. Because now my aunt bought milk which I don’t want to touch (I really just want to go on like she doesn’t exist, I don’t want to even tough anything of hers). So I just yelled at him DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BUY MILK!?!?! ITS NOT MY FAULT SHE DRANK THE MILK!!!! I knew he was just asking a question but I just snapped for a moment. I’ve apologized but now I’m even more frustrated and anxious because my aunt has totally poisoned me. I was really determined that she would not get to me, her father tried to disown her more than once, my father wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and two of her kids want nothing to do with her. She has completely broken this family and now she’s breaking me. But I need to fight back. I don’t necessarily need to fight her, and I really can’t. I am trying to see her as like an avalanche, or a fire. You don’t hate a natural disaster. You just fight to survive.

Not Sure What to do at This Point with “Alternative Facts”

Not Sure What to do at This Point with “Alternative Facts”

Now I told my aunt that I knew about her blog, because I can’t stand her and I decided to tell her why because otherwise she thinks I’m just a mean person for no reason. Well, now she has continued to write in her blog and now I am “enemy number one.” Literally that is what she said. I am having nightmares every night about her or her crazy boyfriend who was recently in jail. I am having panic attacks weekly. I went to the school nurse and she assessed me and I scored the maximum for anxiety, though by some miracle I’m not depressed. She referred me to the psychiatrist but I won’t see them for at least a month. I talked to a counsellor at my school, and the situation was so messed up she really didn’t know what to tell me so she taught me how to breathe out through my mouth? She told me to imagine everything covered in light, including my aunt. Well when I try everything else is light and my aunt is just darkness and evil. She has written on her blog that she’s not lying and I just said she was lying about things because I don’t like them. They’re lies. They’re not “alternative facts.” They’re lies.