So now I am hopefully done with all the gross negativity, I want to start with a little bit of happiness. A couple months ago I roped my boyfriend into doing a clay mug making workshop at 4cats art studio. At first he seemed like he thought it was lame but by the end when we got to be a bit creative and paint our mugs he was getting into it. It was a fun little date night and while the paints on my mug didn’t quite turn out how I had expected, I’m very happy with it and I’m sure will keep it until it breaks. My boyfriends mug… well it’s currently a pencil holder. I’ll let you try to figure out which one is mine and which is his 😛
Just found that my aunt had responded to my comment on her blog, proving what I had said and she denied. So what does she do? She writes a huge post, claiming things that my dad said or did in his youth, basically she tried to be as gross and explicit as possible. Thing is my dad often jokes and exaggerates, and my aunt lies. A lot. So it’s all worthless drivel anyway. What bothers me is that she is literally just trying to be evil and hurtful. What an awful, awful person. And she says the only person she eve hurt is herself!!! Like what?!?!?! She lost custody of two of her kids and the third was in and out of foster homes and never finished high school. That’s not hurt??!?! Totally insane. I honestly am starting to wish I could just move away and change my name because I want absolutely nothing to do with this woman who seems to be obsessed with my family. She even found me on facebook last year and messaged me basically saying well too bad I’m part of your family so why won’t you talk to me. Seriously how do you deal with people like this?!?!?
Well now I’m screwed. I never did decide if I wanted to confront my aunt or not, when the confrontation came to me unexpectedly and unpleasantly. I was waiting for my aunt to leave so I could tell my mom to come over. She was in her car, I saw her packing flowers into her car. So I go out into the living room thinking the coast was clear. I go up to the window to double check and suddenly she is coming up the stairs. She comes up with the newspaper and starts going on about flyers. That might sound perfectly fine to anyone else but then you don’t know my aunt. Everything she says and does seems like bad acting. It is so hard to be around her because everything seems fake, you never know what she is really thinking and it always seems like she has an ulterior motive for every little thing. Anyway she is making this big deal about how many fliers there are, and I’m stuck there trying to keep quiet and can just feel the months of frustration and anger building up.
And then it released.
I just lost it. I yelled about the fliers and of course she scoffs at me, I ask her why she stole my dumbbell the other day, she says she didn’t steal it, she “borrowed” it. I yell at her that you can’t just take things that aren’t yours and then not put them back! (My grandma had to ask for it back, because after she “borrowed” it, my aunt just put it in her own room.) Once I started I couldn’t stop. I told her not to post things about me, and she just lied and said she never did. I told her she posted on recovery.org and she just straight up said she had no idea what I was talking about, and she has never even heard of the website! I was so infuriated. Then she says I would need to show it to her because she has never posted on any forums and she has no idea what I’m talking about (I have found at least 10 that she has posted on, but most of it wasn’t about me or my family so I didn’t care.) I tell her exactly what she said about me, and can you believe it, not only does she keep denying it, but she also says that if she had written something about me IT WOULD BE A LOT MEANER. What the hell kind of lunatic is she?!?! And she just kept lying and lying, saying why would I have a reason to lie to you. So then my grandma starts yelling at me saying hey this is my house, this is still my house.
So now I’m not only furious about having to deal with someone who completely refuses to live within any kind of reality, but now my grandma is mad at me. I was really trying so hard to keep it together, I have avoided my aunt like the plague in the last couple of weeks just trying to get by until she moved out. Literally I have sometimes waited for hours in my room until I knew she was gone or working so I could come out to get some cereal without a confrontation. I tried so hard and some stupid flyers ruined it for me. And I still need to print out the evidence because I am definitely not going to let her try to say I’m the liar, which I know for sure she is going to try to do. Instead of building herself up she just tries to tear everyone else down. Well I for one will not be torn down.
So now my aunt should be moving out this month, which means I’m now just avoiding her as much as I can until she leaves. This means I can finally start writing about some other stuff I want to write about, mostly psychology and perception and such.
This week I have been trying to clean some stuff and get rid of some old things, and in going through things I found some empty capsules I bought about a year ago. When I did a psychology minor for my bachelor’s degree I took one class about critical thinking, which was all about perception, and we looked at stuff like hypnotism (my professor was a psychologist and a hypnotist as well) and placebo effects and how that relates to pseudoscience. Later I took at least one more class which involved talking about placebo effect. I was so fascinated by it and thought how wonderful it is that we can make ourselves happier and healthier by basically tricking our brains. One of the coolest studies we looked at was one where researchers found out that people could even get a placebo effect when they KNEW it was a placebo, as long as they believed in the placebo effect!
So based on what I learned about the placebo effect, I wanted to try it out on myself. I bought 1000 EMPTY capsules, 500 pink and white and 500 yellow and red. I tried to get colours that resonated with what I wanted them to help me with. I got the pink and white because they remind me of Barbie, and I wanted to use those to help me boost my happiness and get healthy (maybe lose a bit of weight too). I got the red and yellow because they looked like the colours of Gryffindor, and I wanted to use those to improve my work ethic and power through tough situations. I filled the capsules with some protein powder because initially they were too light and you could kinda see through them, so I just used some protein powder I was going to throw away anyway to make them feel a bit more legit.
Now, I really suck at remembering to take any kind of medicine or vitamins every day, so I tried it for maybe a few days and then forgot about it. But this summer I want to really explore different kinds of placebos or pseudoscience, and see if it actually helps me. I have also read that rituals help people, like when you have a ritual before dinner (like praying) it makes the food taste better. So my plan is to try to take 2-3 pink pills per day, and maybe one of the red and gold per day, all summer, whether I think it’s working or not. Then hopefully I can give it a proper go without giving up before I can see or feel any results. I gained quite a bit of weight when I spent Christmas at my parent’s so this should be a good time to try it out.
Right, so after I read my aunt’s last post specifically attacking me, I was completely shaken. Luckily I am not depressed because my mind seems to be bouncing back pretty easily. I get really furious and panicky for a while and am frantically trying to figure out what to do but I do calm down. Unfortunately this is exam period so I don’t have a lot of time for my mental health right now, I need to try to focus on school. And lately it’s been very hard to study because I am either just totally frustrated by my situation or I am completely focused on what I can do to make it better. The problem is I don’t have time for that right now. I had a week to study for my corporate tax exam, and I only got maybe a few hours of studying in. I have been spending a lot of time looking at different spiritual objects, gemstones, symbols, etc. Ideally I want to create a space for myself that is totally soothing and healing so I can separate myself from all the negativity in this house, but I’m struggling to balance my time. I can’t spend all the time I need to create the right atmosphere for myself but I can’t study without clearing the negativity. It’s like building a house on sand.
Anyway, I started this post because I just yelled at my boyfriend over milk. Last week my mom had bought some milk and gave me what was left of the old jug. It didn’t expire for a while so I wanted to save it for when I needed it, sometimes it helps if I get stomach aches when I take my medication for headaches. Then I was in the kitchen while my aunt and grandma were there and my aunt asks if there is any milk left, she wanted some cereal. I was pretty surprised she would just pretty much offer it to herself like that, but when I told my mom, apparently my aunt did the same kind of thing when she lived with my dad, he’d work a 12 hour shift and come home to no food or milk because she used it all and didn’t replace it, and it drove him nuts. Anyway my grandma said no, there isn’t enough. I hadn’t even had any at this point and it was mine! So later I had some milk, suspecting it was disappearing on me. Then late at night, trying to study, I hear cereal. My aunt was using my milk for her cereal. And she knew I had brought it from my mom. Didn’t bother asking me, she knows I’m already getting really agitated with her, and she helps herself to my milk. I was so furious so I just quickly drank the rest of it but there wasn’t much left. I was so furious but the next morning I felt better. the problem is, this stuff is putting me constantly on edge. So when my boyfriend asked if the milk carton in the fridge was mine, I just lost it. Because now my aunt bought milk which I don’t want to touch (I really just want to go on like she doesn’t exist, I don’t want to even tough anything of hers). So I just yelled at him DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BUY MILK!?!?! ITS NOT MY FAULT SHE DRANK THE MILK!!!! I knew he was just asking a question but I just snapped for a moment. I’ve apologized but now I’m even more frustrated and anxious because my aunt has totally poisoned me. I was really determined that she would not get to me, her father tried to disown her more than once, my father wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and two of her kids want nothing to do with her. She has completely broken this family and now she’s breaking me. But I need to fight back. I don’t necessarily need to fight her, and I really can’t. I am trying to see her as like an avalanche, or a fire. You don’t hate a natural disaster. You just fight to survive.
Now I told my aunt that I knew about her blog, because I can’t stand her and I decided to tell her why because otherwise she thinks I’m just a mean person for no reason. Well, now she has continued to write in her blog and now I am “enemy number one.” Literally that is what she said. I am having nightmares every night about her or her crazy boyfriend who was recently in jail. I am having panic attacks weekly. I went to the school nurse and she assessed me and I scored the maximum for anxiety, though by some miracle I’m not depressed. She referred me to the psychiatrist but I won’t see them for at least a month. I talked to a counsellor at my school, and the situation was so messed up she really didn’t know what to tell me so she taught me how to breathe out through my mouth? She told me to imagine everything covered in light, including my aunt. Well when I try everything else is light and my aunt is just darkness and evil. She has written on her blog that she’s not lying and I just said she was lying about things because I don’t like them. They’re lies. They’re not “alternative facts.” They’re lies.
Well last night I couldn’t sleep at all, tossing and turning and waking up all during the night. I’m just worrying about everything and it’s slipping into my dreams. Then I woke up and found that I got my grade back and failed my last test. I’m in university right now and I had nothing below a B+ last semester. All my other classes are fine but I’m really struggling in this one.
The course is actually the second part of a two-part course, the first part I got an A in easily. We had a different professor and while he wasn’t super exciting he taught the material well and gave us really fair tests. The teacher for part 2 is really nice, and a lot of the students really like her but I’m just finding that I’m not learning much from her. Both teachers give interesting examples from their real jobs and how it applies to the material, but I just find this teacher doesn’t teach the material as thoroughly as the last one did. But it’s not unusual for me to like teachers other students dislike or dislike teachers other students like. It’s just frustrating because other students will be complaining about teachers and I’m thinking well maybe they aren’t fun but at least they teach properly, and other times students love a teacher and I’m thinking well she’s nice and the lectures are easy but she’s not teaching us all the material!
So now we’re getting closer to exam season and I’m going to have to find a way to get all my worries out of my head long enough to study for the exam to get my mark up since I was hoping for nothing less than an A- but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. Normally I can study really well on my own, I learn best by going through problems. But this is one of those courses where it is very technical and legal wording which makes working through things with the textbook quite difficult, and I found my other professor really helped to clarify things so I would be able to understand it but since this teacher doesn’t even go over everything there is a lot that you need to study on your own.