Being My Best Self

Being My Best Self

Alright so after the dust settled, and after I finally got to bitch out my aunt on Facebook after a lifetime of just trying to ignore her, I’ve realized that this needs to be my motivation to be my best self. Now, I’ve always kinda wondered about the people who are constantly posting on social media, who seem like they are trying to fake their way through things. They always appear happy on the outside but I know nobody can be that happy all the time. But now I get it. It’s like those studies that show that faking a laugh or a smile actually makes you feel happy. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.

I had sort of a lightbulb moment when reading all the slanderous things my aunt had written, and I thought what am I going to do? This woman has almost nothing to lose and I have everything to lose. Is she going to try to slander me all over the internet now, so if anyone googles my name, all her craziness will pop up? But then I realized no, she doesn’t have that power. Because if she tries to slander me, all I have to do is push all of that to the back of the results with my own content. With happiness and success. You have to fight hatred with love and kindness. If someone does something horrible to you, turn around and do something nice for someone else. I’ve given up on being nice to my aunt because I tried that and it did NOT work. But I can still be kind to myself and to others. I am going to use this as the motivation I need to always spread good feelings even when I’m not feeling them myself. Hopefully if I do that enough, eventually those good feelings will make their way back to me 🙂

Plus, I know that the one thing that would piss my aunt off the most is me being happy and successful. I’m pretty sure that’s why she targeted me in the first place.

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Seriously what is wrong with this woman?!?!

Seriously what is wrong with this woman?!?!

Alright so now my aunt wrote and “open letter” to me on her blog, which I was expecting, but she AGAIN accuses me of going onto her computer to find things. DOES SHE NOT KNOW HOW GOOGLE WORKS?!?! I literally have proof she wrote things on recovery.org and she just blatantly lies and then accuses me. Then she tells me that she is sure there are more people in the world who don’t like me than those that do. She’s literally a 54 year old woman bullying her niece. It’s completely insane!!! At this point I’m literally just sitting in my room, waiting for her to LEAVE. This crazy woman has probably shortened my life by 5 years with all the stress she has caused me. What an evil bitch. I just cannot fathom how someone can be like this. I don’t even know what to say or do because I am just so furious and honestly, scared. I have no idea how to deal with her because she is just so far from anything resembling a normal person. So for now I’m just stuck basically.

I did post a comment on her blog though, with my real name. I know I’m in the right so I don’t need to try to hide behind some fake name like she probably thinks I would. That’s why she set it so only people using their gmail account could post, and couldn’t post anonymously. Well I am standing up for myself.

And of course she says that my grandma “has no sympathy” for me, of course I know this whole time she has been trying to find anything she could to get my grandma against me. And I wouldn’t doubt it if she has been trying to goad me into losing my shit so she would use that against me too. Feeling quite helpless right now, to be honest.

And Now Some Thoughts

And Now Some Thoughts

Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.

For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.

The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.

It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.

I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….

Do I Confront?

Do I Confront?

This blog post is sort of a useless rant, sorry. I just need to write it because I’m finding myself start to get anxious and panicky again. I was going through and deleting old emails yesterday and came across one where I told my mom I could hear my aunt asking my grandma about me. I find it a little ironic considering when I told her I was reading her blog, she said I must care a lot more about her than she does about me. Yet for years she has been trying to get information on me? My theory is she is trying to get my grandma against me, she is trying to find anything she can to paint me in a bad light. One time shortly after I moved in with my grandma, I saw her come in the front door while I was eating my breakfast so I quickly ran out the back to eat my cereal on the steps outside. I later found out my aunt asked if I was smoking. And why would she assume that? She is just trying to find a way to make herself feel better because of her terrible life and she was a terrible mother. I think it’s not even about me, she just wants to try to blame my dad (her brother) and try to make herself feel better about her terrible parenting by finding something negative about us. And then there’s the online post where she says I have no friends to speak of and have never been on a date. I have no idea why she would think she could assume either of those things, obviously she was asking my grandma about every aspect of my life. What a nutjob! I don’t even tell my grandma about my life, partially because I know she will tell my aunt. And why would I tell my grandma about every date I’ve had anyway? I was dating my current boyfriend for 2 months before I even told my grandma we were dating, and I only did it because he was coming to visit. I’m a private person, so apparently my aunt thinks that means I have some mental disorder or something. I asked my grandma about it and she told me to confront my aunt before she moves out. Well she is moving out this weekend (thank god) so now I am trying to decide if I confront her or not.

I do really want to confront her. I want her to know that I am not okay with this crap and she needs to cut it out. I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her asking about me trying to get some juicy gossip about me from my grandma! The problem is I just can’t control my anger towards her. When I even think about talking to her my heart starts racing. I’m genuinely worried I could have a serious panic attack and even need medical attention. If she was going to leave and never come back it would be different but I know she has to come back because as a 50 something year old woman she gets a 500$ per month allowance from her mom…. so she will be back at least once a month and this crap will continue. So I know confronting her would be extremely difficult but I feel like I need to do it for my long term mental health. I don’t know.

The Tale of the Lost Ring

The Tale of the Lost Ring

Story time!

So maybe a week or two ago, my cousin came over randomly to see my aunt. I was in the living room studying (or TRYING to study) and I heard my aunt loudly talking about jewelry. My aunt tends to talk pretty loudly anyway but it seemed a bit like she wanted me to hear it. I heard her going on about something being “platinum” and my cousin din’t seem that convinced but my aunt kept going “well they can’t just lie!” My aunt gets super super dramatic, she’s like a bad actor who is always acting. (And from what I have heard/read/seen of her, it seems like she IS always acting, she always puts on a facade, more than most people.)

Anyway, maybe an hour or a few hours later, suddenly she’s lost it. I think she had gone out, maybe for a smoke or to pick up her methadone, and suddenly she’s going on about a ring she lost. Going up and down the stairs, making a biiiig show of it. And she knew I was in the living room studying. I think then later I was in my room again trying to study and I hear her in the hall with my grandma talking about how she lost this expensive ring. My grandma was sort of annoyed because she’s giving her money every month to help pay for rent and she’s buying herself expensive jewelry. Again, she’s making a big show of this to my grandma. Periodically since then she has mentioned it, saying she has no idea where it could be but it MUST be in the house somewhere.

Now today, here I am again studying, and for a long time she was talking to my grandma about rents and books, the usual stuff (I can’t hear much from my bedroom but the occasional word is clear and I know what they are talking about). Suddenly, she randomly starts on about the ring. Now she is talking loudly enough for me to hear every word, again making a big show about it. She even goes into her bedroom and makes these big ridiculous groaning sounds and moving things around to show she is looking for it. Then goes back to my grandma and says yeah I can’t find it, I’ve looked everywhere but it has to be in the house. Then (again, loud enough for me to hear with my bedroom door closed) asks my grandma if she could ask me and my boyfriend about it. Talks a bit more about it, again says she has no idea where it is but must be here, and if she thinks of it could my grandma ask me and my boyfriend.

Now, this whole time I have just been waiting for her to accuse me of stealing it. Right away it seemed like she was trying to set me up, or try to GET me to steal it, by making a big show of how valuable it was and then a big show of how she lost it. Maybe she really did lose it, but it seems pretty suspicious to me. Even if she really did lost it I wouldn’t doubt for a second that she will try to say I stole it. I’ve heard stories about her trying to blame my dad for things she did to get out of trouble, and this was in adulthood, not as a little kid. She’s also lied about things on her blog, and is always trying to blame everyone for everything. Not to mention the fact that she already accused me on her blog of going on to her computer when she wasn’t around to look at her “files,” and that’s how I found her blog, even though I literally told her it’s because she used her real name on her blog. It wasn’t exactly hard to find. I’m sure she also relayed this accusation to my grandma, or at least hinted at it, because my grandma said my aunt “didn’t know how I found her blog”, even though I literally TOLD HER.

In any case, I haven’t even seen the ring, no clue what it looks like, much less stole it. Although I have to admit, if I DID find it, I’d be pretty damn tempted to throw it straight in the garbage.

(Although it might need to be taken to Mt. Doom….)

Keeps Getting Worse

Keeps Getting Worse

So, I have actually been feeling much better about my whole situation with my aunt, I actually have started to find it funny. The problem is every time I find something new it puts me right back into a panic attack. Just today I decided to google a phrase she keeps using to describe her cat. I’m one of those people who just has to find things out, so I though maybe it was some pop culture term that I didn’t know about, and decided to google it. Well, obviously she made it up because I found a bunch more posts from her on various websites (she seriously loves to talk about her cat.) One post caught my eye, since it was about MYSELF. She is telling a bunch of people on some forum about a bunch of stuff that is completely none of her business. She even says that I “dabble in oil paints but [am] not very good.” Wow, such a lovely person! (And I like to paint with acrylics, not oils, and am doing it purely for relaxation and enjoyment purposes, similar to my aunt’s adult colouring books which I guess are masterpieces?) She talks about me not having a job (hello? trying to continue my education while her two daughters have never finished high school and can’t hold down jobs?) She says I have never been on a date. How the hell would she know anything? I went to a university on the other side of the country and never speak to her, ever. I suppose she thinks I should follow in her footsteps and become a prostitute? Or maybe have two short marriages, have children, and not take responsibility for them? What an absolute nutjob. Every time I think I can’t be surprised by her, I am. It’s seriously unbelievable. So of course I see this and feel like I need to confront her, and start panicking again. I was so furious. I told my grandma about it and my grandma is sick of her too now so she told me to confront my aunt so “maybe she will leave.” Because my grandma wants her gone but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I guess I’m already “enemy number one” to my aunt so it can’t get any worse.

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

Trying to Block (and Blog) it out

I’ve decided I will have to do everything I can to avoid my aunt. If she was just an annoying neighbour it wouldn’t be so bad. But she is in my family and it’s hard to just pretend she isn’t there when I have to plan out when I go into the kitchen just to avoid her, and I have to always have some sort of video or music playing so I can’t hear her voice. It actually wasn’t so bad at first, because I really thought I could just be nice to her and she’d be nice back and eventually she would leave and it would be fine. But then she was writing lies and racist things on her blog about my family, and somehow she expected me to just think oh that’s fine and normal. And then my grandma told me she wants my aunt to leave, that she doesn’t like what my aunt is doing. She is dating this total lunatic, and she keeps saying she is desperately trying to get rid of him, saying all of these bad things he does like slash her tires and punch holes in the wall, yet she keeps letting him come back. Now she has the perfect scenario, she is with her mom so he won’t come over and trash her stuff, and she can go see him on the weekend. Now why would anyone be with someone like that? You might think it is a classic abusive relationship, where it is hard for the woman to leave. But it’s the opposite. She was in her mid 40’s when she started dating him, a NINETEEN year old, drug addict with serious mental health issues. He is younger than her son. My grandmother thinks she just wants to be able to control him, but I think the reality is she is just stuck in the mind of a teenager. She leeches off the government, off her mother, and takes up a relationship with a teenager. She had 3 kids, two she completely lost custody of and the 3rd was in and out of foster care her whole life and did not complete high school. My aunt just never grew up, never had any sense of responsibility. Now she is staying at her mom’s house and on the weekends going to see her boyfriend who she insists on staying with even though he is terrible. And she doesn’t see why we don’t like it, she seriously thinks that everything she has done in her life, she wasn’t hurting anybody.

Anyway, my grandma doesn’t like it, and she told me that once my aunt leaves, she can never live there again (she has had to go back to live with her parents many many times throughout her adult life, and at one point even had the crazy boyfriend living here. There was a police watch on the house.) But my grandma also said she would just *hint* to my aunt that she should move out, and wouldn’t kick her out. Because while everyone else has reached their breaking point with my aunt, I don’t think my grandma has one. It’s just too upsetting for her to look at the reality of what her daughter has become. So now I’m stuck hoping my aunt will actually leave. Until then I have to do my best to block (and blog) it out.