And Now Some Thoughts

And Now Some Thoughts

Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.

For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.

The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.

It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.

I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….

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