Well last night I couldn’t sleep at all, tossing and turning and waking up all during the night. I’m just worrying about everything and it’s slipping into my dreams. Then I woke up and found that I got my grade back and failed my last test. I’m in university right now and I had nothing below a B+ last semester. All my other classes are fine but I’m really struggling in this one.
The course is actually the second part of a two-part course, the first part I got an A in easily. We had a different professor and while he wasn’t super exciting he taught the material well and gave us really fair tests. The teacher for part 2 is really nice, and a lot of the students really like her but I’m just finding that I’m not learning much from her. Both teachers give interesting examples from their real jobs and how it applies to the material, but I just find this teacher doesn’t teach the material as thoroughly as the last one did. But it’s not unusual for me to like teachers other students dislike or dislike teachers other students like. It’s just frustrating because other students will be complaining about teachers and I’m thinking well maybe they aren’t fun but at least they teach properly, and other times students love a teacher and I’m thinking well she’s nice and the lectures are easy but she’s not teaching us all the material!
So now we’re getting closer to exam season and I’m going to have to find a way to get all my worries out of my head long enough to study for the exam to get my mark up since I was hoping for nothing less than an A- but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. Normally I can study really well on my own, I learn best by going through problems. But this is one of those courses where it is very technical and legal wording which makes working through things with the textbook quite difficult, and I found my other professor really helped to clarify things so I would be able to understand it but since this teacher doesn’t even go over everything there is a lot that you need to study on your own.
Yesterday my boyfriend said I shouldn’t post a blog because I don’t want to do the same thing as my aunt. But then I was talking to some friends today about my aunt’s blog, and they jokingly said I should start a counter-blog to her blog, commenting on what she is saying in her blog which could have some pretty amusing results if she actually ended up finding my blog. However she seems to be not quite all there (well I know she isn’t quite all there), and I highly doubt she would find this blog. I think she might genuinely think that nobody can find her blog even though it took me only a few minutes after I heard she had one. She also seems to genuinely think that thousands of people have visited her blog, or at least hundreds, when in reality I would say that most of the “views” are from me checking her blog multiple times a day for updates and my mom checking daily for updates. My “views” alone lately have added up to probably at least 20 per day.
Today there was a big thing happening and she hasn’t written about it yet. Two days ago she suddenly deleted most of her blog, saying it was because blogger wouldn’t let her show ads anymore because she clicked on her own ad. This was just the day after I told my grandma I found the blog so I thought this might be a ruse so I wouldn’t know she knows. But then she said she might keep posting…? I’m thinking if she doesn’t make a post tonight or tomorrow then probably she knows I know and she doesn’t want me to know about what is going on. Maybe eventually I’ll start posting about other things I want to post about but for now I want to deal with all of this crap. Nobody is reading this anyway so it doesn’t matter 🙂
So for my second post I guess I will just write a little bit about where I am in my life right now and what I’m dealing with. I’m currently going to university and have been living with my grandmother to help look out for her a bit. She’s worried about someone breaking in but my parents and I are more worried she’ll just get hurt, especially if she falls with her balance problems.
Now recently, my aunt has moved in with us because her boyfriend who has some serious mental issues and drug problems set her rented suite on fire trying to cook some drugs. This wouldn’t be too much of an issue but my aunt is extremely difficult to deal with. There is a long history of tension with her and the rest of the family but basically there are a lot of drug and mental health problems there. Normally I might just ignore her but the problem is that for the last 2-3 years she has been writing about her whole life in a blog that she doesn’t know I’m reading. She uses fake names most of the time, but at one point or another she has used real names for both of her ex-husbands, her boyfriend, my dad, and at least one of her children. The really brilliant part is where she adds comments and shares her posts with her own social media page with her real name and photo. When my grandma told me she had a blog, it took me a few minutes to find it and I have been reading it ever since.
This has made the situation especially because a lot of times she is writing about my family. She has said horrible things about my father, has said things about me and has made racist comments about my boyfriend. A lot of what she posts are lies or exaggerations, although I’m not sure if she is lying on purpose or if she actually believes what she is writing. She has also talked a lot about trying to get hold of some of my grandma’s money which really irks me because a) my aunt has no idea how to handle money and b) my grandma is very stressed about finances, and wants nothing to do with it. And the more I read her posts and interact with her, which I rarely did before, I am starting to think more and more that she is either a psychopath or a sociopath. She is very good at saying the right thing, she knows how to have a conversation. You start to think she really has straightened her life out because she seems quite ‘normal.’ But then you think about everything she has done, how she has treated her kids, family etc. And if you listen closer when she talks you realize that she doesn’t have quite the same emotion that other people do. She only seems to have two emotions, normal and frustrated. She seems fine most of the time, never really happy and never really sad though. The only emotion I can see is frustration when she doesn’t get what she wants. She is also very narcissistic, which she doesn’t show in everyday life but she shows through her posts. She’s completely delusional about a lot of things. She thinks she was a fine mom who had her kids taken away by the horrible system, in reality she was an unstable drug addict. The child she was able to keep ended up not finishing high school and my aunt doesn’t seem to care at all. According to my grandma my aunt told my cousin she didn’t need to go to school because she could be a waitress.
Anyway that’s just something I felt like I needed to share, I guess on this blog I’d like to talk about about how I’m coping with life and how I’m finding ways to relax and find bits of happiness here and there. Writing is my first step. Originally I thought I might make a blog where I just continually write a story; I wanted to write a novel for a while now, and tried to do nanowrimo but I just find it so hard to write. Maybe I’ll do my next post on my struggles in trying to make myself write.
Well I guess I might as well start with an intro post. I doubt anyone will end up reading this blog but I’m quite okay with that. The reason I have decided to start a blog is I found years ago that it was very useful to me to be able to write in a diary. It took me a long time to even start the diary because I felt so strange writing to nobody. I didn’t really start writing in my diary until I decided to start writing to a fictional person. Once I started writing to a fictional person and addressing my diary like a letter, I found it was very easy to write freely and it helped me work through my thoughts and feelings. For the last few months though I haven’t been writing at all and I am hoping a new form of writing will help me get back into it. The nice thing about a blog is you aren’t talking to yourself but you aren’t talking to anyone in particular either. So I thought I’d give it a go. I know I won’t write the same way or about the same things as in my diary, but that might help me to expand my thinking a bit. I’ll see how it goes.