So I stopped blogging but I will try to start up again. My plan now is to have two blogs, where this Crummy Blog can be about general life annoyances I’m dealing with and my other one can be about my hobbies. This summer was pretty eventful for me, and not in a good way. Would have been really nice to have an extra week or two before classes started again so I could get everything back on track. That didn’t happen, obviously, so now I’m scrambling a bit. A lot of my scrambling is over but I have the feeling I’ll be scrambling again soon. I’ll have to go back and look at my old posts to see where I left off and give an update, not that anyone will read it. But for my own purposes I’d like this to be coherent. I’ll have to do separate updates for different topics because otherwise it will be all over the place.
Another thing I am very happy about which is a little more recent than the mug making date is my textbook for my online class came today! I am super excited to start my class, I hate having a day go by and feeling like I’ve done nothing yet it happens all the time. I tend to get side tracked very easily especially if something upsets me, so now I have something to distract myself with. It’s nice to have a goal, and I have made a goal to finish this course in two months. I definitely need to finish it before september when my regular semester starts again. I did an online course last summer too and I think it can actually be really exciting to set your own goals and exceed your own expectations. It’s something I really like about self-paced courses because you can get ahead without worrying you’ll show up to class just to have your prof say “and we will skip the next chapter.”
This also gives me something to do to ensure that I won’t go a day feeling like I’ve done nothing, even if I have nothing to do all day or have done nothing, I can take an hour or two to get ahead in my textbook or work on an assignment. It’s also important for me to practice because when I’m going through the program to become an accountant, all the work will be in an online format and I will have to keep myself on track. So normally I wouldn’t be super excited about having a boring law class to do, but I feel like right now it’s just what I need.
So now I am hopefully done with all the gross negativity, I want to start with a little bit of happiness. A couple months ago I roped my boyfriend into doing a clay mug making workshop at 4cats art studio. At first he seemed like he thought it was lame but by the end when we got to be a bit creative and paint our mugs he was getting into it. It was a fun little date night and while the paints on my mug didn’t quite turn out how I had expected, I’m very happy with it and I’m sure will keep it until it breaks. My boyfriends mug… well it’s currently a pencil holder. I’ll let you try to figure out which one is mine and which is his 😛
Alright so after the dust settled, and after I finally got to bitch out my aunt on Facebook after a lifetime of just trying to ignore her, I’ve realized that this needs to be my motivation to be my best self. Now, I’ve always kinda wondered about the people who are constantly posting on social media, who seem like they are trying to fake their way through things. They always appear happy on the outside but I know nobody can be that happy all the time. But now I get it. It’s like those studies that show that faking a laugh or a smile actually makes you feel happy. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.
I had sort of a lightbulb moment when reading all the slanderous things my aunt had written, and I thought what am I going to do? This woman has almost nothing to lose and I have everything to lose. Is she going to try to slander me all over the internet now, so if anyone googles my name, all her craziness will pop up? But then I realized no, she doesn’t have that power. Because if she tries to slander me, all I have to do is push all of that to the back of the results with my own content. With happiness and success. You have to fight hatred with love and kindness. If someone does something horrible to you, turn around and do something nice for someone else. I’ve given up on being nice to my aunt because I tried that and it did NOT work. But I can still be kind to myself and to others. I am going to use this as the motivation I need to always spread good feelings even when I’m not feeling them myself. Hopefully if I do that enough, eventually those good feelings will make their way back to me 🙂
Plus, I know that the one thing that would piss my aunt off the most is me being happy and successful. I’m pretty sure that’s why she targeted me in the first place.
Just found that my aunt had responded to my comment on her blog, proving what I had said and she denied. So what does she do? She writes a huge post, claiming things that my dad said or did in his youth, basically she tried to be as gross and explicit as possible. Thing is my dad often jokes and exaggerates, and my aunt lies. A lot. So it’s all worthless drivel anyway. What bothers me is that she is literally just trying to be evil and hurtful. What an awful, awful person. And she says the only person she eve hurt is herself!!! Like what?!?!?! She lost custody of two of her kids and the third was in and out of foster homes and never finished high school. That’s not hurt??!?! Totally insane. I honestly am starting to wish I could just move away and change my name because I want absolutely nothing to do with this woman who seems to be obsessed with my family. She even found me on facebook last year and messaged me basically saying well too bad I’m part of your family so why won’t you talk to me. Seriously how do you deal with people like this?!?!?
Alright so now my aunt wrote and “open letter” to me on her blog, which I was expecting, but she AGAIN accuses me of going onto her computer to find things. DOES SHE NOT KNOW HOW GOOGLE WORKS?!?! I literally have proof she wrote things on recovery.org and she just blatantly lies and then accuses me. Then she tells me that she is sure there are more people in the world who don’t like me than those that do. She’s literally a 54 year old woman bullying her niece. It’s completely insane!!! At this point I’m literally just sitting in my room, waiting for her to LEAVE. This crazy woman has probably shortened my life by 5 years with all the stress she has caused me. What an evil bitch. I just cannot fathom how someone can be like this. I don’t even know what to say or do because I am just so furious and honestly, scared. I have no idea how to deal with her because she is just so far from anything resembling a normal person. So for now I’m just stuck basically.
I did post a comment on her blog though, with my real name. I know I’m in the right so I don’t need to try to hide behind some fake name like she probably thinks I would. That’s why she set it so only people using their gmail account could post, and couldn’t post anonymously. Well I am standing up for myself.
And of course she says that my grandma “has no sympathy” for me, of course I know this whole time she has been trying to find anything she could to get my grandma against me. And I wouldn’t doubt it if she has been trying to goad me into losing my shit so she would use that against me too. Feeling quite helpless right now, to be honest.
Now I’m at my parent’s house and I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. There are so many things about this situation that I just don’t really understand.
For one, I don’t understand why I have this reaction to my aunt. As soon as I think I might have to even say something to her, I completely panic. I can feel my heart beating so hard and crazy that I’m legitimately worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I start hyperventilating. A lot of times I think “what’s wrong with me” because I know it’s not normal. But here’s the thing – I have never had this reaction to a person or a situation ever before. I’ve dealt with some bullying and just generally awful people, but it actually never got to me that much, and I certainly wasn’t having anxiety or anything about it. Sometimes I do panic, but usually it’s just when things in my life are all building up and I’m terrified of what might happen to me. But now I just realized that with my aunt everything is built up all the time. I am constantly having to hold my tongue because everything she does is rage inducing. It’s put me constantly on edge. And it’s not just me, nobody else in the family can stand her either. Her daughter puts up with her to a point, but absolutely refuses to live with her. My grandma is the only one who will put up with all her BS. So I know it’s not just me, but especially when my grandma acts like everything is cool, I do start to question my own sanity, which just makes me even more annoyed.
The second thing I’ve been thinking about is whyyy is she like this??? I really was thinking she might be a psychopath or sociopath, a lot of it matches up. The only thing is it does often seem that she wants to belong somewhere, which seems like the opposite of a sociopath. Then I was thinking it must be the drugs, she’s overdosed many times so it’s certainly possible that some important parts of her brain have fried. The problem with this theory is she was already like this when she was quite young before she would have experienced many permanent effects of the drugs. So this makes another problem for me. Normally when I get angry at someone, I try to find some reason for it. I try to justify it somehow, for my own sake. If I see a really aggressive driver and I start to get some road rage, I imagine that maybe the driver has to go to the bathroom really bad or has a whiney kid in the back seat, and the anger goes away. But with my aunt every time I find a way to justify it, or even feel sorry for her, she does something that contradicts it. And after I’ve gone through everything I can think of, the only think that’s left is that she is just a really shitty person.
It’s weird too, because I’ve talked to a counsellor at my school about it, and when I talk about my aunt I literally am laughing out loud. Because when I’m not having to actually deal with her, when I have that separation, it just feels like a big joke. She’s like a caricature. When I think back on it, it doesn’t even seem real and I just laugh. But then as soon as I see her or hear her it’s reality again. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. (Worst roller coaster ever, btw. Do not recommend.) She’s moving out in two days (supposedly) but I’m still very worried about what might happen when I go back. I think I will do my best to keep my head down for a while.
I also want to write a story inspired by all of this. For years I have wanted to write a fantasy novel, but could never really come up with any good plot even though I’ve had some characters floating around in my head. But with all of this craziness, I’ve got some good ideas. Possibly involving a crazy witch….